On my way to St. Thomas, I had to fly one of those tiny 19 seat puddle jumpers which is a sea plane that takes off and lands on water. Those who have flown them know that weights and balances are critical and they ask you your weight before they let you board. They even weight your purse. Furthermore, it’s the pilots option to ask the Fatties to sit in the front of the plane. Now at an officially obese BMI of 35, I save myself the embarrassment of being publicly identified as obese and automatically seat myself at the front by running to the front of the line and so do the other Frequent Flying Fatties who know the system.
As I was waiting for the plane, I watched a morbidly obese woman ahead of me and noted that at 5’0″ she had to weigh over 300 pounds, the upper part of her body was an inverted trapezoid. Her butt was about twice mine with each half of her butt being as big as my whole ass. Her shoulders were about 18″ wide which is small and proportionate to her height. When they stated packing the flying sardine can, I bolted to the front of the line but when I got to the plane, the pilot stopped to confiscate my 4 pound briefcase so they could load it the front of the plane and balance the fatties in the rear.
The prime location is the left side of the plane where there are single seats and thus no human contact with your fellow travelers – unfortunately, by the time I got back in line, they were all taken. The next best seat is the exit row which is at the widest part of a very small plane and with about 2 more inches of leg room. When I reached the row, there was no turning back as all seats ahead of that row were already full and the line behind me was taking the rest- This is like musical chairs where the last one standing is the loser.
As I surveyed my only choice, I cringed. In the right seat on the double side was a trim guy with well exercised shoulders. His ass fit the narrow seat as would mine except that his shoulders were four inches into my seat space and he had nowhere to go. In the left isle seat was the woman with the huge butt. It extended more than half way across the isle. As I sat in my seat, I left about 4 inches of butt hang in the isle so that my shoulders weren’t in loving contact with the guy next to me and that put my butt about 1/2 inch from the woman with both of us blocking the isle. Since she was sitting in a leaning position and had her small shoulders against the left side of the plane, I had air space in the isle where my shoulders extended over her belly and butt.
The humorous part came when the Captain did his standard safety talk about opening the exit row doors and asked if we were all capable of it. As we all dutifully answered yes, we all knew that fitting out this porthole sized window would be a joke. The other guy’s shoulders and mine, my big belly and the woman’s butt probably wouldn’t fit. The Captain’s final comment was classic.
“It really doesn’t matter, the front door and back door are all much bigger and all the other passengers can safely exit through them.”
Like the credit card – Fucking priceless.