When I first quit smoking 20 years ago, I sought knowledge and help without drugs, religion or the Internet. There were no patches, pills, support groups or very many books on the subject and the one cult that promised success had sworn all paying members to secrecy. So I read about the 12 steps and AA. Now one of the tenants of AA was that you believe in god who was all powerful and who’s help you would need to quit drinking. What were you supposed to do if you didn’t believe in God? The answer was “pretend as if.”
So, as I started my new quest on self improvement, I decided that a spiritual path was also advisable. I purchased The Gospel of Judas which was a pretty cool book and it was non fiction. It is written from the perspective of a Gnostic Judas who knew that the gross body was an impediment to the divinity within us and the only way for Christ to be divine was to be crucified and rise from the dead. So he helped Jesus reach his goal. The other dumber apostles vilified Judas and started the Catholic Church. I was so excited that I even bought the National Geographic issue devoted to the discovery and restoration of the Judas gospel.
I was suckered in to the above book, because I read another very well written book by Bart Ehrman, Misquoting Jesus Both books were so good, that I was beginning to feel one with God.
Now I knew that I was sadly lacking in knowledge of Gnostics and purchased a book called The Gnostics. If I thought saying kind things would get you to buy the book and up my revenues from Amazon, I would, but truth be told I quit reading after 66 pages when I found out I wasn’t spiritual enough to be a gnostic. It seems that Gnostics use knowledge to seek the inner light of spiritual awakening. I really got excited when I read the fist half of the gnostic psalm which follows:
“Everyone who seeks the truth from true wisdom will make himself wings so as to fly”. Now that really describes me – I’m studying everything about obesity and gonzo writing that I can and I knew I was on the right path. It was a perfectly beautiful spiritual sentiment until you read the second half which is “fleeing the lust that scorches the spirit of men.” Shit, if I could really fly, other that hang gliding which was cool, I would be like Icarus and try to fly to the sun like the gods. Upon feeling slightly scorched, I decided to check on my perfection as a sinner and looked up the Seven Deadly Sins:
Pride is excessive belief in one’s own abilities. It has been called the sin from which all others arise. Pride is also known as Vanity. Hell I got that knocked. You can’t even want to be a gonzo writer without pride.
Envy is the desire for others’ traits, status, abilities, or situation. Hey once again – I lust over the superior writing skills and success of others and I envy all who are skinnier than me and can eat and drink as they want.
Gluttony is an inordinate desire to consume more than that which one requires. I did not get to be the Fat Savage by missing this sin.
Lust is an inordinate craving for the pleasures of the body. Anyone who read my first blog knows I am a world class sex maniac who learned to fuck from every conceivable positions so I could keep on fucking up to a BMI (Body Mass Index) of 40. When I got To To Fat To Fuck, I invented the Fat Savage Diet so I could get back in shape to fuck some more.
Anger is obvious, with my weight I have high blood pressure which goes off when ever it wants to or needs to.
Greed is the desire for material wealth or gain, ignoring the realm of the spiritual. I’m not too sure about this but It probably counts that I totally ignore the spiritual, don’t tithe and love to earn a good living so I can indulge in my carnal comforts.
Sloth is the avoidance of physical or spiritual work. Well my desire for physical work comes and goes and aside from this one ill planned interlude, I pretty much ignore the godly area and defer to all the self proclaimed saints.
It seems in the area of the Seven Deadly Sins, I do well with a fair amount of ability in each area. What the hell, if you can’t be a self sacrificing aesthetic saint, you may as well be a perfect sinner. If you’re gonna burn in hell for eternity for one sin, you may as well burn for repeated occurrences of all of them.